Guest Column
by
Tom
Purcell
It
is said that humor is founded in truth. Our children are being
influenced, not only by you, their parents, but also by other
authority figures that they come in contact with. Much of their
tutelage comes from professionals who have taken to teach an agenda
for what they see as the"betterment of mankind?" As you can
see from this excerpt from Tom's book can be humorous especially when
it's goes against human nature.
- M. Richard Maxson
Dear
Mom and Dad,
It's
been almost three weeks since you dropped me off at summer camp.
You better
come get me 'cause I'm in big trouble.
On
my first day, I was feeling homesick. So I found a piece of wood and
began carving it with my Swiss Army knife the way Daddy showed
me. Well, one of the counselors yelled at me to "freeze."
He took my knife, then patted me down. Then he marched me off to
the camp director. The director said, who did I think I was
bringing a lethal weapon, a symbol of pain and death, into her camp?
Then she gave me a "verbal warning."
One
day, Billy Johnson and I got bored, so we went into the woods to
play. We turned
a couple of branches into guns and made bullet noises as we fought
the bad
guys. Sure enough, we got marched off to the director. The director
said there's
so much war in the world because boys like us are taught to
"celebrate" it from
an early age. She said we should be ashamed of ourselves and that we
were lucky
she wasn't sending us home.
So
I figured I better stay out of trouble. But then I got in trouble at
lunch. I began to
say grace out loud, just like you taught me, and I was carted off to
the director again.
She
wanted to know who I thought I was imposing my beliefs on others. She
said my
actions showed how "ignorant" and "insensitive"
Americans are to other cultures;
then she gave me another warning.
Believe
it or not, things got even worse. We were weaving baskets and I was
sitting next
to Mary Allison, the prettiest girl I ever saw.
"Mary,"
I said, "you're so pretty you make me smile from ear to ear."
Well,
sure enough, I was carted off to the director again. She said I
really crossed the
line this time. She said my behavior was not only "boorish,"
but against the law.
She said I should be sued for sexual harassment.
By
the way, what is a "gender terrorist"?
I
was pretty uptight by that point. But I was able to forget
about played kickball. I kicked the ball really far and I got a
grand slam. I was so happy,
I
said, "We win! We win!"
Sure
enough, that got me another trip to the director's office. This time
she said I was
"insensitive" to the players on the other team. She said I
hurt their "selfesteem." Then
she asked me if you and Daddy are Republicans.
By
this point, I figured I'd better just keep to myself. So I got a jar
out of the cafeteria
and went into the woods. I caught a bumblebee in the jar and put some flowers
in there to keep him happy. I was poking holes in the top to let
fresh air in when
I was hauled off to the director again.
This
time, she was really mad. She said, who did I think I was giving a
"death sentence"
to an innocent bee? She said I had no respect for the Earth and that
it was
people like me who were responsible for climate change. She said I'll
be lucky if
the world doesn't end before I collect Social Security.
She
said I better get with the program — that there is no place in this
world anymore
for "thoughtless," "restless," "insensitive"
boys like me. She said if I mess up
one more time, she was kicking me out of the camp.
By
the way, what is Ritalin?
Anyhow,
you better plan on coming back to get me. Tomorrow everybody is going for
a hike in the woods. And I already picked some flowers to give to
Mary Allison.
Your
son,
Tommy
*Editor's Note: If you run this column, please mention that it is an
excerpt from Tom Purcell's new book, "Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist
Takes on a World Gone Nutty!"
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